Five Point Five

I don’t really know why I’m posting this or if anybody’s even reading this blog. But if you do and it inspires a loving thought for me or anyone you know in a similar situation, then that makes me feel a bit better.

I wrote this song, Five Point Five, back in January…

My family doc called to say that the X-ray I got that morning showed a large mass on my left lung. There are no words that truly describe what those words do to you. Terrified and confused barely scratch the surface.

I had a CT scan within a week and saw one of the best surgeons in the country a couple days later. He said there were a few things it could be, but that its characteristics most suggested that it was a benign tumour grown out of the pleural sac. He operated on March 1 and removed it.

I cannot say enough nice things about everyone my family and I encountered at Toronto General through the 30 or so hours I was in the building. The incredible skill and compassion they exhibit daily is truly amazing. Andrew, Sheila, Nelson, Angela, Bon Jovi (yes, I had a nurse named Bon Jovi!)… there are more names I never got or can’t recall right now. So many great people — thank you for taking such incredible care of me. 

If you know someone who works in healthcare, give 'em a hug right now.

Surgery went very well and the team was confident that they got all the bad bits out. The operation was done laparoscopically, so I was back home by suppertime the next day. My dad, who was an RN for around 30 years, flew up to be my personal nurse for over a week, changing dressings etc., and doing odd chores around the house. Thank you!

4 weeks later, I had a followup with the surgeon. To everyone’s surprise, the pathology report said that the tumour was in fact malignant. It was cancer. I had cancer. The good news is that it was quite localized and all indications during surgery and from the post-op lab-work were that it was all out. I’d have a follow-up with a radiation oncologist soon to discuss possible treatment. But I was feeling good, that it was probably cured.

I had that meeting yesterday and now I’m scared again. He recommends doing radiation treatments for 5 weeks. His thinking is that there’s no way to know if there are any remaining cancer cells in the area, so he’s inclined to take a conservative approach and radiate now. If there’s anything bad left in there, we’ll have a better chance of killing it while it’s weak, rather than when it’s stronger if it grows back months or years down the road. And if it were to grow back, there’s no telling what form it might take… it could be even worse.

I’d talked with a relative of similar expertise and experience a few days earlier, and her inclination was that, given the clear margin (no perforations in the extra layer that was removed with the tumor), it would be reasonable to monitor and only radiate if the cancer returned. It might well be cured now.

Both doctors acknowledge that there’s no definitely right way to proceed. The problem is that it’s a very rare cancer — there are only 45 published cases in the whole world. That’s far from enough for any statistically significant conclusions. No one knows how it behaves, what the recurrence rate might be, etc.

So now I have to choose between waiting and radiation. If I wait, there’s a chance that it’ll never return. Or it might. If it does, there’s a chance it’ll take exactly the same form and be fairly easily dealt with. Or it might be totally different and deadly. If I do radiation now to try and prevent recurrence, there are risks of various side effects that terrify me. There are also odds that none of them will happen. There’s a chance that the radiation will kill any remaining cancer cells. There’s also a chance that it’s pointless because the problem’s already cured. Nobody can quantify any of the odds related to the tumour. The only odds they can quantify are about radiation risks. For example, there’s a 1/1000 risk of spinal damage causing paralysis. That’s a small chance. But it’s still scary as heck, as is the thought of this thing coming back in some worse form. There’s scary all around. So… I’ve got some thinking to do over the next few days.

Anyway, here’s the song from January:



Five Point Five

It came right out of nowhere
Just about a week ago
I couldn’t quite catch my breath
And I still haven’t yet
Thinking I’ve got a long way to go
Oh, I’ve got a long way to go

Yeah, I stumbled over denial
Staring at a 3D scan
But I must admit I still hope
They call me up and say oh
No, that was of another man
Oh, that was of another man

CHORUS
It weighs heavy on my mind, heavy on my mind
The scariest song I’ve ever sung
It measures 5 point 5 centimetres wide
At the bottom of my left lung

It measures 5 point 5 centimetres wide
At the bottom of my left lung

It wants to make my darlin’ a widow
Open its jaws and take a bite
And, though the jury’s still out
Let there be no doubt
I’m not going without a fight
I’m not going without a fight

CHORUS
It weighs heavy on my mind, heavy on my mind
The scariest song I’ve ever sung
It measures 5 point 5 centimetres wide
At the bottom of my left lung

It weighs heavy on my mind, heavy on my mind
The scariest song I’ve ever sung
It measures 5 point 5 centimetres wide
At the bottom of my left lung

At the bottom of my left lung

The Only Hope

When I'm in bed alone
There's a darkness by my side
Not like they sing about in pop songs
No, only the blues can describe it

Feels like drowning now
Feels like sinking down

     It starts out small
     Then it's fifty feet tall
     Crashing down on me like a wave
     I'm a grain of sand
     Clinging onto dry land
     No point in even playing brave
     You're the only hope I'll be saved

Before you, there were none
Who made me want to stick around
For more than just a little fun
But for all kinds of ups and downs

Feel it taking hold
I feel it sinking in

     It starts out small
     Then it's fifty feet tall
     Washing over me like a wave
     I'm a grain of sand
     Clinging onto dry land
     No point in even playing brave
     You're the only hope I'll be saved

Ripe Old Age (Telling A Story)

There’s a sign of life
In black and white
I wonder if it can hear me laugh
It’s not the road I planned
But I’m a better man
Since you took that step across my path

     CHORUS
     Now we’re telling a story
     Telling the story of our life
     Sometimes we stumble
     Sometimes we get ahead of it
     Telling a story
     Telling the story of our life
     Sometimes a struggle
     Sometimes a love affair
     At this ripe old age
     I turn the page
     Telling a story

How I gain so much
From your touch
Sometimes I can’t even wrap my head around it
It’s a little crazy, oh
Yeah, you can feel it grow
So much, since we found it

     REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE
Once upon a time
Keeps us going farther down the line

     REPEAT CHORUS

That Ain't Why We Build 'em

Melody was a ballerina, she knew it in her heart
Even though there was no ballet in town
She saved her pennies up for a one-way ticket on a Greyhound bus
One bag, two shoes, and a point on the map eastbound
She always said, if she could dream it, then it just might come true

CHORUS 
We’re all raising sails
On the wild, wild waves
Hoping for a wind to fill ’em
They say a harbour is
The safest place for ships
Oh, but that ain't why we build ’em
No, that ain't why we build ’em

Rumours float around real fast, some say she’ll never last
That the course she chose is just too hard and long
Others say she lost her way, that she never had what it takes
But could a pure heart ever steer her so wrong?
Maybe she’s right, if she can dream it, then it just might come true

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE
Hold steady as she goes, steady as she goes, where the soul needs
Hold steady as she goes, steady as she goes, see where it leads
Hold steady as she goes, steady as she goes, see where it leads
Hold steady as she goes, steady as she goes, where the soul needs

REPEAT CHORUS 

Melody’s a ballerina, she knows it in her heart

Lingers

I made some pretty significant edits to the lyrics in this one.


I never look behind, once I’ve said goodbye
My feet never stop when they hit the ground
Reminiscing has never been my thing
But when I think of you, yeah it spins me round and round

     CHORUS
     Something about you, girl, just lingers
     Something about you, girl, just lingers
     You’ve been rolling round my head so long
     Like the chorus of my favorite song
     Going on and on and on and on
     On and on and on and on

     You make my heart pick up a beat, and it lingers
     I get caught in your melody, and it lingers
     In my mind, every line rhymes with your name
     Cuz it’s the only word I wanna sing, yeah, it lingers

Well, I recall the magic in your smile
I’ve sure got nothing like that now
You left a lonely hole punched though my chest
I’ve gotta find a way to get you back somehow, somehow

     REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE
Oh, I’ve been looking so far up ahead to find it
I never guessed love’d catch me from behind

     SHORT CHORUS
     You make my heart pick up a beat, and it lingers
     I get caught in your melody, and it lingers
     In my mind, every line rhymes with your name
     Cuz it’s the only word I wanna sing, yeah, it lingers

     In my mind, every line rhymes with your name
     Cuz it’s the only word I wanna sing, yeah, it lingers


Below are the lyrics as posted on March 18, 2015:

I never look behind, once I’ve said goodbye
My feet never stop when they hit the ground
Reminiscing has never been my thing
But when I think of you, yeah it spins me round and round

    CHORUS
    Something about you, girl, lingers
    Something about you, girl, lingers
    You’ve been rolling round my head so long
    Like the chorus of my favourite song
    Going on and on and on and on
    On and on and on and on
    Yeah, something about you, girl, lingers
    Something about you, girl, lingers

Well I can’t recall why we parted ways
And it don’t matter much right now
It seems I just can’t get you off my mind
I gotta find a way to get you back somehow, somehow

    REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE
Well, I’ve been looking so far up ahead to find it
I never guessed you’d catch me from behind

    Something about you, girl, lingers
    Something about you, girl, lingers
    You’ve been rolling round my head so long
    Like the chorus of my favourite song
    Going on and on and on and on
    On and on and on and on

Calico

I’m up a tree like a calico
Out on a limb, nowhere to go
But down

I keep saying I’ll be alright
Land on my feet, yeah, just hang in tight
For now

     Cuz way out here, it’s just me and the leaves
     Blowing in the breeze
     I feel the shake in my knees

     Ooh, yeah the shake in my knees

On the ground, looks like you’ve got it made
Laying in the grass, but that’s just a different shade
Of blue

C’mon and meet me over on the fence
We’ll take a look around and do whatever makes sense
For two

     Cuz way out here, it’s just me and the leaves
     Blowing in the breeze
     I feel the shake in my knees

     Way out here, it’s just me and the leaves
     Blowing in the breeze
     I think you’ll steady my knees

     Ooh, yeah you steady my knees
     Ooh, yeah you steady my knees

Whoa-oh, calico, whoa-oh
Whoa-oh, calico, whoa-oh
Whoa-oh, calico, whoa-oh
Whoa-oh, calico, whoa-oh

I’m up a tree like a calico

Parisian Kisses

A couple of friends are getting married this October. They got engaged in Paris, which inspired this song...

He hid the box behind his hotel night stand while he hit the shower
First time it was out of his sight in about 8 hours
Since he boarded the plane with his lady last night
Heading straight for the City of Lights

To see what her answer would be, he’d practiced for weeks
Had all the perfect words, just needed the nerve to speak
But he must have known, it’s the surest thing
She’d say yes, with our without a ring

     CHORUS
      Some things go on for years and years
      Decades and even eons, I hear
      But nothing lasts as long as Parisian kisses and love, love
      Nothing lasts as long as Parisian kisses and love

They walked along the avenue and craned their necks at the Eiffel Tower
And they both knew this wasn’t even their finest hour
He got down on one knee and the future was clear
When she smiled from ear to ear

      CHORUS
      Some things go on for years and years
      Decades and even eons, I hear
      But nothing lasts as long as Parisian kisses and love
      No
      Some things go on for years and years
      Decades and even eons, I hear
      But nothing lasts as long as Parisian kisses and love, love
      Nothing lasts as long as Parisian kisses
      Nothing as long as Parisian kisses
      Nothing lasts as long as Parisian kisses and love